Tuesday, October 10, 2006
1:23 AM
not been updating lately cos i dunno where to start...so many things happened...
rushing for submission as usual. nanny is in hospital. facing a few death. i'm afraid of this n dat.
personally..i seriousli dun think i am afraid of death. cos i dun like the feeling of people leaving me...i mean who likes it...no one does...but everyone will have to face this..you may say that i am one who doesn't face up to reality, complaining too much cos it is something tt will happen n complaining does nt help.
all these i know. i know i have to face it.
i can solve other problems. relationship. work. and other stuff. but i cnt face death. the feeling is bad. it is terrible. although my nanny stays in malaysia n i dun really get to see her often. but she is a nice lady who adores her grandchildren. i cnt bear to see her suffer. i just cant. i have not been working hard on my proj, i felt so lost. though i tried to work on it. but i just couldnt settle down quietly to work on it. my mind is blank. the feeling is so hard to describe.
after the stage performance is done. there's this next hurdle i have to cross. troubled. depressed. but wat can i do? i helplessly watched my mum and my aunts getting worried and crying. they talked on phone. travel in and out so often of malaysia. getting so weary after each visit. i've never seen them like this before. i never even experience this before though my grandfather, my greatgrandmother passed away some years ago. there isnt much impact on me then cos i was young and they werent so close to me afterall.
i had alot of fun in malaysia and each visit there brings so much memories of fun n laughter. recently, the tot of going there is terrible. i hope i dun have to go back there at this time. i dun want anything to happen. i dread phone calls now. no news is good news.
i had this dream before i knew abt my nanny. something abt death tt leaves a deep impact on me. i seldom have dreams and i had tt similar dream twice. i knew something was going to happen. it might be superstitious or other terms u may call it. but it really something terrible. cos i couldn't get it off my mind. as especially in times like now. the more i could nt forget it. put urself into my shoe. facing the same situation. with my very own set of thinking. it seems like u're watching some horror movies and u never know what is going to happen next. all u can do is helplessly stay put at tt spot waiting for it to happen. whatever u do does nt help.
so i was chatting with a few pals and they were saying that she'll be fine. they told me not to worry. all these words of console. guys, i noe u all mean well, u wan me to move on, u dun want me to worry. but sometimes u know, some things are better left unsaid cos i noe the situation better. alot of times, i wanted to talk it out so all these does not bottle up and make me suffocate. but these words of console seriousli make me feel worst. i just need a listener. the constant words like "move on", "there's nth u can do" and lotsa other stuff really make myself seems so useless. some compared the situation i am facing to theirs, but no one faces the same incident and even if it does, we are both different, the way we think, the way we handle things are different. it has gt nothing to do with u being strong n weak. it's how you see things. the perception.
i am nt putting the blame in anyone cos u all meant well. still, i have to thanks all those who have been hearing all these problems i am facing.
i am nt trying to pick a fight here so please...do nt misinterprete my entry. i am just writing how i feel at this very moment.
THE STORY GOES ON
